Of Death Merchant and other such things..

Often stupid things make me think. I dunno what it is about these stupid, little things in my life, but that they set my clockwork in motion is quite certain. Sure, I’m not saying that my clockwork is moved to action so very easily. It remains rather stubbornly jammed in presence of math, logic and other career defining stuff. But stupid stuff.. gets me mind to work faster than them Ferraris.. yes sireee..

For example, there I was walking down the street, on my way back home, and my bag gets caught in the blasted brake-handle of a pulsar parked quite ineptly outside the confines of the regular demarcated parking area. Naturally I was unhappy and I was just scouting around for a reason to ridicule the fellow’s tactlessness, when on closer inspection of the contrivance I see a sticker.. “Death Merchant”

As mentioned before, the sight of a meaningless phrase got me thinking. “Hmm”, I said to myself.. “interesting”, I remarked.. how innovative..

“Death Merchant”.. Our Mr. Death seems to be catching up the times, what? Its obvious that due to the increased population, Death too has joined the outsourcing bandwagon to help him with this rather austere, time-precision requiring task. Surely, he found a few select henchmen, (called the “Death Merchants”) to park their damned bikes in the middle of the road and have the mere mortals get their bags tangled into their brake-handles.

It is such an abysmal concept! “Death Merchant” indeed. What does such a fellow do? Trade in deaths? Does he follow the TQM concept in running his business? How does he manage the relationships with his customers? Has he any customers? If any, why the hell do they go to him? To die all over again? Well then, he’s a dimwit trading with further dimwits. Is traveling salesman or has he a shop? Does he go knocking on people’s doors in their afternoon nap times(as do normal salesmen) and say “give me RS 500000 and I give you death” or does he say “I’ll give YOU Rs 500000 and give you death free” ?

Either way, its quite a laughable concept. “Death Merchant”. Who’d pay to die? Its absolute nonsense. And if a “death merchant” has to pay to kill people, he’s quite pathetic, isn’t he? Who’d employ such a loss-making old frump, who not only parks poorly, but pays people to kill them? He’s be a “dead” investment (pun intended :D). You can see his boss telling him.. “Look here Death Merchant, I don’t think this is working out. You can’t just go out killing people and distributing money. Not only is this inviable business but it is also against the law. Not the Penal Code, you idiot. You see, according to Sale of Goods Act, we can only trade in moveable property and Death isn’t moveable. You get it, you ham-handed old middle-of-the-road-bike-parking menace? I mean, I’d consider breaking the rules for a profit-making enterprise, but this venture is a dud. Non-profit AND breaking the law is a complete washout.”

I know a of a fellow who calls himself the “Death Giver”. As ridiculous as that sounds, it in any case more correct than "Death Merchant". People DO give death. Doesn’t the court judge pronounce a sentence as “I give you death!”? So I guess that’s what he is.. a supreme court judge of sorts. Unless he’s like.. the “death giver” in charge of mercy pleas. Then he becomes the president.

And that, my second-rate-bike-parking-friend, is a more honourable position to be in. The president of the nation. Not some stupid flunkey who can’t park a bike and operates in an illegal, non-profit trade!