Main tumhare bachche ki maa ban ne waali hoon!

Redundancy is a problem everywhere. Even in our TV shows. Its been 3 days into my vacation now and let me tell you I have watched a LOT of TV shows, English, Hindi and Marathi. I’ve even watched some Tamil ones to see how FAST they talk! :p.. But yes, English, Hindi and Marathi being the ones I’ve watched a lot of and understood the plots of quite comprehensively. And the realization that has come about through the viewership experience of some Hindi TV shows is the exorbitance of characters that has plagued the industry which makes a non-routine viewer feel quite out of place.

They nullify this confusion by making the plot primitively simple. After seeing a few episodes of Kyunki Saas and blaahs, I must say, that they’ve radically redefined the concept of “joint family”. It is more like a small village there. There are mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, grandmothers, great-grandmothers and if I’m not mistaken, there was also a Baa who was like the mother of all grannies. She must be like a million years old. And mind you, that is just the legitimate family! Often the men go, have flings with different women who return, brandishing their fists at the integrity of the family screeching.. “mein tumhare bacche ki maa ban ne waali hoon”. And so the men get confused. Which of them actually slept with that woman? And which of them was stupid enough to NOT use Protection? Don’t they read the signs on the state transport buses? (condom kab kab..) The troublesome woman also, in her passionate speech, is a little confused as to the identity of the perpetrator. And after a reasonable amount of sound-effects and some tasteless zoom-ins from various angles on the plethora of men present at the scene(which takes an average of 5 minutes so that the poor, victimized woman can regain her composure), the defector is found to be, quite obviously, the youngest one of the lot, for the simple reason that all the other men have already had a female fist brandished in their faces and have learnt their lesson.(of using Protection next time).

And then there are tears. From all counters. Enough tears to purge the water shortage problems of Africa forever. Enough to pose a greater threat of the sea level increase than global warming. The beleaguered wives cry. The manipulated woman cries. The disappointed mothers cry. The reminiscing fathers cry. The grandparents too cry as the family forgets to feed them. The defaulting men too weep for their foolish ignorance, of repeated warnings of using Protection. And suddenly this charade ends with the unholy woman deciding to leave the defector husband and go live a life of asceticism and raise the bastard child(hey, what else can I use?) by herself. Peace prevails for another 20 years.

But lo and behold! This bastard child has grown and how! He now has a flashy car, an uber-cool hair-do and an attitude which has people call him a bastard behind his back(funny eh?). Fiercely loyal to his mother, when he comes to know about this engagement and estrangement with such an evil father he swears vengeance. He meets his lawyer friend(they always seem to have one at hand, useful, what?) and contrives to file a suit so flamboyant that would have his mother and him live a life of fabulous luxury. While the previously victimized woman has now become all catty and vamp-like with make up that would make Picasso stand up and pat the back of the make-up man, and has taken to wearing rather revealing clothes when compared to other women her age,(which makes one think, how did she not get knocked up more often?). Meanwhile the wife as inherited her saas’ sarees alongwith the fashion statement of 20 years ago. (Which might make the husband kick himself for leaving the wrong woman.). Confrontation. And then there are powerful dialogues between the son and the father, the wife and the son, the father and his fling-mate, the fling-mate and the wife and other permutations that admit themselves within these 4 major parties. The “elders of the family” (as they call themselves) intervene and nettle with dialogues like “maine kaha tha..” and others lending a similar effect. If there is a legitimate son, one should expect a brawl in a bar with the illegitimate, staking his claim on the family fortune while the legitimate, staking HIS claim on his father’s integrity. In the presence of a legitimate daughter, the najaayaz bachcha should fall in love with her. If she’s a frivolous brat, not unlike her father, she goes with him creating a new level of discord in the family. If she has inherited her mother’s simplicity and empathy for her father, she resists his overtures. Of course, the illegitimate son, having inherited his father’s lack of tact and the overbearing lust, rapes the daughter and flees the country. Tears, tears, tears. And more illegitimate children. And so it goes on.

Now, my question to the progenitor of this exhibition of all possible forms of vileness is, Really woman, how many time will you take your damned 20 year leap and dish out that tattered old tale of yours over and over again? Are the days of promoting good family values and culture really gone and replaced by this fanciful display of the human weakness of committing sinful misdeeds? Do you think we really enjoy this? How many times are we men going to go out and commit adultery without using Protection? Do you think we are THAT stupid? An altogether different question I have is, what does this protagonist, quintessential family do to sustain its castle and its countless inhabitants? Don’t their children get lost? And when the hell is Baa gonna die?!

And finally in English sitcoms, do we really need Elaine (Seinfeld) or Phoebe (Friends) or Claire(My Wife and Kids) or Joey and Stephanie (Full House) or the half-a-dozen people falling ridiculously in love with each other repeatedly in the OC?

And let us NOT talk about the Bold and the Beautiful at all. If you call your TV show something like that I don’t think there is a point in trying to analyse your ethical standards. :)